Miseinen
by Kare Uta
Summary: A oneshot to Kai, inspired by the song 'Miseinen' by The GazettE. Kai thinks about how far his pride has actually gotten him, and how he'd feel if he stopped being proud and let his friends help him. Kai angst, Friendship.


**A/N: My latest oneshot. The song is Miseinen by The GazettE and when I heard it I just knew I had to write a oneshot to Kai to it. I'm well-aware that the song is in Japanese but no worries, the song is translated to English at the end. The English lyrics came straight from the booklet of the Nameless Liberty Six Guns DVD so they are in fact the correct lyrics.**

**_To make it clear to all, I do not own The GazettE, the song Miseinen or any of that. Nor do I own Kai or anyone from beyblade. (I just hate writing disclaimers but for song fics I'd like to make myself clear on all matters)_**

_**Miseinen**_

The Russian sat down at the foot of his bed, rubbing at his face exhaustedly, a wince escaping him as he was a little too hard on himself, not actually realizing how much his body could take at the moment. At the moment of his actions his team were all gathered downstairs in the Dojo where Kai had called them together, left them a letter and came back upstairs, locking his bedroom door before they had time to ask him any questions.

A while back three members of the team agreed with each other _as_ a team that they were going to be completely open with each other so no fights would ever break out between them. Then they realized that Kai was missing from that circle of truth and began coxing him to speak to them about his past and about how he actually feels. As much as Kai had really liked to tell them, and had come very close to feeling open enough to tell them, he didn't have the physical or emotional strength to talk to them. So after being stressed out by them for a few weeks he tried to come up with the best way to get them off his back on the subject. Honestly, by then Kai was tired of keeping things from people he finally called his friends so he tried extra hard to try to get them to sit down long enough to talk to them but just about every time he attempted asking them to sit down to talk he just panicked and dropped all hope for the time.

So instead of talking to them he took the easy way out, and each day before he went to bed he'd write down a little bit of his past out so that when he was able to he could give it to them when he wasn't around. Since he would have preferred that they didn't see that on his deathbed, and rather when he was still alive and they were still friends, he'd decided to give it to them now, leaving the letters in the Dojo and asking them to go in there after training. He felt terrible when he'd put the letters in there, but now he felt even worse now that he knew that they were reading them. His personal thoughts, his terrible past, they were reading all of it, everything he worked so hard to hide.

_**G**__**amushara ni nanika wo sagashiteta  
Tsumazuite mo ii kara mae ni  
Bakageteru no ha wakatteru,  
Tada koukai senu you hashiru no sa  
Shinrai dekiru no ha jibun dake de,  
Nakama nante iranakatta  
Nanimokamo ni muketeta yaiba  
Shishun no H ha moroku hakanai  
Tsuyoku naritai hitori de ikiru tsuyosa wo  
Hontou ha uragirareru no ga kowai dake  
Nigete bakari jya nani hitotsu kawaranai to  
Wakatteru no ni kawarenu boku ga iru  
Hokorashige ni kazashiteta kodoku to iu puraido ha  
Yaku ni tatanu risou he to nigeru tame no hane datta  
Hokorashige ni kazashiteta jikoshuchou to iu 'RIOT'  
Kono hikari no mukou ni ha jiyuu nado nakattan da  
Teenage Bluely Days  
Areteita mainichi ni oboretenda  
Kizuitara kodoku seotteta  
Tsurakatta. hontou ha hitori nante ne  
Nozondenakattan da.  
**_

His whole life he seemed to be looking for something important, something to complete him and he never knew that he was looking for. Hell, he didn't even know he was looking for anything. Back then his only goal was power and victory for a game that his heart really wasn't into most of the time, it was just in his brain which made it seem like it was in his heart. Then when things got harder, emotionally he just ran away and didn't care who he was hurting by locking himself up inside. Not trusting people wasn't really a lesson he was forced into learning, it was more like something his mind just assumed after many years of what had been done to him. He thought he didn't need friends, that he'd never need them because he could handle everything by himself. And that idea never wavered for a long time, and he always verbally attacked anyone who would try form any friendship with him whatsoever. If he was really honest with himself and with everyone else, they'd all know it was only because he was afraid of betrayal, rather than just hating everyone around him like they thought he did.

He remembered everything clearly now, all the physical abuse he'd gone through as a child, the torment his body had gone through. When he began remembering everything from his childhood things only got harder for him, every night he wished that he was stronger, that he'd be stronger so that he could handle everything by himself and never need anyone. Those where wishes that never changed from the time he was in the Abbey, to the time he was out of it. He wanted to be able to handle himself, his emotions and handle the whole team without the help of anyone else. For once he wished he could refuse someone's help because he didnt need it, but deep down he knew he'd always really needed it.

An impossible wish, naturally.

Obviously things weren't going to change unless he did something about it, if he kept running away from his own feelings then nothing good would ever happen to him. That was probably what pushed him enough to actually want to give his friends some sort of explanation. It really wasn't easy. Everything he worked so hard to cover up for yours he all threw away and gave them everything in black and white.

He buried his face in his hands, shaking his head just before he got up and walked back to the top of his bed. He lay down slowly, turning onto his stomach as he buried his face heavily into his pillow. He didn't want to change himself. It hurt too much to change himself, he couldn't do it. Now he was just afraid that because the team knew, they'd either treat him differently or make him change the way he acts and he could handle neither. It wasn't like he wouldn't give it a try. But overall he just knew that his pride would disallow him to do anything of the sort, or handle anything of the sort too. It never let him accept their help before, and he didn't see how now that he'd told them everything things would change.

If he was really honest with himself, he'd admit that his pride hadn't got him very far. Fine, so it pushed him a lot, especially to do better things and accomplish his goals but where exactly had all that got him? He ended up being alone cold and brooding the whole time. Clearly his pride hadn't done him much good so far, so who's to say it wouldn't destroy him eventually. He pushed himself too much anyway, he taught his friends how to never give up but in the process he was destroying himself. At the time he hadn't cared, he didn't care about any of it but now he wanted to be saved from the hell of his own emotions. When could he push himself enough to get rid of his pride and just let people help him when he needed it?

Things never got easier for him, they didn't always get worse from day to day but they didn't get better either. Each day began slowly dragging at his existence, making things harder on him emotionally and the lonliness was never any help, then when the team noticed his absence he had to come up with lies to cover things up. When they began to believe something was wrong with him, they stressed him out with persistent questions that he didn't want to answer. He exhaled uncomfortably, lifting his head on his forearms, "I don't want to be alone." He mumbled to himself, shifting to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling.

_**Tsuyogatte bakari jya hontou no kao wasurechau kara  
tama ni chikara wo nuite dareka ni tayoru koto mo daiji desu  
kizutsuite... nakitai toki ha oozora ni mukatte oogoe de sakendemite**_

_**I don't want to forget to myself, **_

_**I want to do it as I am, **_

_**I don't want to forget to myself, **_

_**I want to do it as I am…**_

_**I don't want to forget to myself, **_

_**I want to do it as I am…**_

_**I want do it…**_

He paused his train of thought for a few minutes. Giving himself the chance to calm down and forget about everything that was stressing him out so much. Naturally the pause didn't last very long, his lack of control over the stresses. Suddenly thoughts of them reading his past made him terrified out of his mind, turning over onto his side, a hand pressed tightly against his stomach as he occasional pushed his face back into the pillow, forcing back any uncomfortable feelings.

Then to his dismay a gentle fist tapped lightly on his bedroom door, his heart beating furiously at the sound of it. He sat up on the bed, looking at the door with some dread on his features, then there was another slightly larger knock on his door. Sliding off his bed he walked over to the bedroom door, standing beside it, hoping deeply that whoever it was didn't plan on coming inside or starting a conversation with him, "What?" he asked rudely.

Through the wall Kai could hear the person shifting his weight uncomfortably at the sound of the Russian's monotonous voice and Kai waited intently for an answer of some kind from whoever was out there.

"Kai…can we talk?" Ray asked from the other side of the door in the hallway, the first time in a very long time that he'd sounded so hesitant.

Well Ray was straight to the point, to Kai it sounded like his friend was just ready to kill him. He rested his back against the still-locked door, breathing heavily for a moment before he returned his voice to the usual calm tone, "Can we not?"

"Come on Kai, please let me talk to you." Ray begged quietly, knocking against the door again softly.

The team leader turned to the door, pausing only for a second before unlocking the door and walked back to his bed, sitting down calmly and stared in the direction of the door which opened slowly, Ray having heard the lock disengaging. The two locked eyes, Ray's eyes holding some sadness and possibly even regret while Kai's held the usual blankness that gave off his coldness. "So…" Kai began quietly, "Tear me up." He insisted.

Ray crossed his arms, sitting on the arm of a chair that was opposite Kai, "Why didn't you tell us all this sooner?"

"It's really not as easy as you make it seem." Kai replied normally.

The neko-jin got up from where he sat, walking closer to a slightly scared Kai, sitting down beside him abruptly on the bed, looking at him strongly but sensitively at the same time, "However bad things are Kai, we want to try to help you."

Kai smirked, keeping calm and cool as always, no form of the worry he was feeling being seen by his…friend, "I appreciate it…" he began, "But at the moment there isn't anything that you can help me with." He informed him.

Ray sighed at even the thought, his mind wandering back to the letters that where downstairs, the pages that held years worth of misery on them, "There has to be something." Out of that whole list of terrible things that had happened to Kai over the years, he expected for him to have something that he was hiding now.

The captain shook his head, exhaling at the thoughts, "There isn't…not now at least."

Ray got up and walked slowly to the door, turning to him once there, staring him down seriously, "Come downstairs, the others and I want to talk to you about some things."

A little bit of regret could be heard in Ray's voice, a sound very distinguishable to his captain, who only raised an eyebrow at him, allowing his posture to weaken slightly, "Isn't it a little early for all of you to torture me at once?"

"We understand what you've been through, all we want to do is help so I don't know why you see it as torture."

Kai felt something fluttering inside him suddenly, some warmth he supposed, smiling softly for the first time in a long time at his friend, "You've understood everything about me so far, so it's selfish of me to ask you to understand that I can't talk right now."

Ray sighed unhappily, walking back to the bed and sitting in the chair, "Kai, you and I have talked about just about everything, why hold back so much all of a sudden?" He watched as his friend lay down comfortably on the bed, staring at the ceiling, patiently waiting for an answer to come to him. Some worry continued to pang in his heart, he wanted answers from his friend but he really didn't want to hurt him either.

They're eyes met again after another minute, Kai's holding some sadness in them, some pain for having to give him an answer, "It's really not as easy as it looks, maybe its easy for you to listen but its not easy for me to talk." Was all he could actually reply with. Finally it felt like things where slowly breaking away from Kai, his pride was slowly slipping away temporarily and he was just trying to come to some sort of understanding with his friend, an understanding harder to come to when he was so afraid of even speaking at the time.

Then he knew hell was upon him for sure as he'd just seen the other two in the doorway and then cautiously enter the room to join Ray in questioning. "We're sorry, Kai." The Russian could hear Tyson say softly once he'd turned his head away from them.

Kai felt a low growl in the back of his throat, trying endlessly to hold it down, "If you're here to ask me why I didn't say anything sooner then you're too late, I've already given the best answer I could give and I'm not about to repeat it."

Tears were clouding Max's blue eyes, Kai only being able to tell once he'd begun speaking to him, "It's strange…this whole time we all just thought that you never talked because you didn't trust us enough but now we know it was because you were just scared we'd hate you for it."

"And after all that it was you'd been through, we really can't blame you for feeling scared."

His heart slowly began to beat twice as heard in his ears from the blood rushing heavily through his body. He turned round and sat up, allowing his eyes to scan over each of his friends, "I realize you understand but what do you want from me now?"

Tyson sat down beside Kai on the bed, "We just want you to promise us one thing." He told him casually.

Kai took in a shaky breath, moving his eyes from the ground to Tyson, supposing that by now his fear was more than just evident, "What is it?" he asked.

Ray exchanged looks with each of his team mates before letting his eyes fall on his captain and taking it upon himself to speak next, "Whenever we ask you if something is wrong don't lie to us and say its nothing."

Kai let his head drop at the sound of that, exhaling just quietly enough for the release but not enough for the others to hear him, "Fine." He mumbled in a whispered unwilling tone.

"Like when that cut on the side of your neck is bleeding, don't deal with it by yourself."

With some alarm the Russian looked up hurriedly at the neko-jin that had said that, giving off rather angry eyes but with a softer and concerned tone of voice, "You saw that?" he asked him, watching his friend nod in reply.

Ray tilted his head for a second awkwardly, "Max pointed it out a while ago." He replied.

The youngest blonde sat down beside Kai, trying a small smile as he felt Kai's eyes on him, "Sorry, I got worried." He smiled though, once he felt Kai grab his shoulder and give it a supportive squeeze.

Kai answered all the questions that where in their eyes, "Neck wounds are hard to heal…because the movement makes it cut open all the more." He got more sympathetic looks from the three of them, "I'm going to go for a walk." He smiled at each of them and stood up to leave his room. Ray stood up though, and he could hear the other two do the same behind him.

"Kai…" Max called hurriedly.

Kai closed his eyes, waiting patiently for something else to be said by either one of them, all he could do was listen. Dranzer would use every bit of energy left in his being to keep Kai from moving when they were still talking, best he just stood there by himself than be forced by a persistent phoenix.

"When you want to talk about it, we'll be right here." Tyson spoke with somewhat care for him, he hadn't heard that from him in years.

Kai locked eyes with his closest friend in front of him, "Maybe when I get back." He told the three of them, hearing no objections to that he left in a quick pace.

_**Watashi ga watashi wo wasuretai you ni, watashi no mama de ireru you ni  
Konna yowai boku no tame ni senaka oshitekuremashita  
Hokorashige ni kazasu teta kodoku to shishunshou ha  
Yaku ni tatanu risou he to nigeru tame no hane datta  
Aoku hareta ano sora no jiyuu ga aru to suru nara  
Kono hokori takaki hane ga chigirete mo kamawanai  
Boku ha hashiridashiteta gamushara ni sora wo megakete  
Hane wo hiroge tobidatta rakkaten ha 'jiyuu' na no da to  
Subarashiki kazoku wo mochi subarashiki nakama wo motta  
Saikou no hibi datta umarekawattara mata aou...**_

Kai walked out onto the street, sprinting towards the park once he was out of the Dojo's sight. He arrived to the park and took a seat at a bench, hidden behind trees where he knew no one would find him to bother him. Slowly the pride was shedding away he supposed. He wanted it to be gone. A new hope was that he'd be able to let all the pride go and get help from those around him. Now he just hoped his friends would wait patiently till that happened. If he were to die today, he wouldn't mind because he was finally free and he felt saved by his friends. If ever he had the chance to see anyone again before he died, he wanted it to be them.

**A/N: There you go! A oneshot that involved two of my favourite things, Kai and The GazettE! So the song was in pure Japanese, savour a few lines here and there so here is the translation and in my opinion it fit Kai very well.**

_**I was frantically looking for something  
it's okay to stumble, so go forward  
I know it's foolish, I just run on without regret  
the only one I can trust is myself, I didn't need friends  
the fangs I bared at anything and everything  
sexual stuff in adolescence is delicate and fleeting  
I wanna be strong, give me the strength to live on my own  
honestly, I was just scared of betrayal  
I knew that nothing would change if I kept running away  
but I couldn't change myself.  
the loneliness I prided myself on  
was a pair of wings to escape to my worthless dreams  
the self assertion I prided myself on called 'RIOT'  
there was no freedom, nothing beyond this light.  
Teenage Bluely Days  
I was drowning in each rough new day  
before I knew it I was shouldering such loneliness  
It was hard. To be honest,  
I really didn't want to be on my own.**_

since always pretending to be strong makes one forget one's true face  
it's important to occassionally loosen up and rely on others  
hurt... when you want to cry, face the great big sky  
and scream out in a loud voice 

_**that you want to forget yourself, so you can keep being who you are **_

_**I don't want to forget to myself, **_

_**I want to do it as I am, **_

_**I don't want to forget to myself, **_

_**I want to do it as I am… **_

_**I don't want to forget to myself, **_

_**I want to do it as I am… **_

_**I want do it… **_

_**the encouraging voices of my father, my mother, and my friends  
spurred on, even one so weak as myself, they gave me light  
the loneliness and pain of my youth that I prided myself on  
were a pair of wings to escape to my worthless dreams  
if there's freedom to be had in that clear blue sky  
I wouldn't care if these wings I'm so proud of were torn off  
I began running, frantically aiming for the sky  
I spread my wings and flew away, and the spot where I fell  
was 'freedom'.  
with a wonderful family, and wonderful friends  
these were the best days of my life, if I'm reborn  
let's meet again...**_

**I really hope you enjoyed this oneshot and that you think that the song fit Kai as much as I think it did. Please leave a review and tell me what you think! Take care everyone!**


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